After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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