No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
