I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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