My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
