Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
