i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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