Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
