you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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