real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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