Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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