even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
