First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
