and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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