his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
