Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
