I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
