fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
