just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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