seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
