You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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