this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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