I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
