Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
