I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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