Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
