I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
