You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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