I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
