I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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