i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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