Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
