I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
