I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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