I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
