mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
