So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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