True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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