i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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