I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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