It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
