Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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