question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
