i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
