Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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