I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
