Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
