I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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