he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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