he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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