also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
