i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize