the only muscles i have these days is kegels
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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