When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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