fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm at about main and main street
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
