Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
