My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize