i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
