Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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