he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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