there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
