You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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