Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
