we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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