you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
