the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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