if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
