Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
