It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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