Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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