i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
