he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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